


Out of Place

by RimauSuaLay



Category: American Idol RPF, Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-25
Updated: 2010-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-06 16:33:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RimauSuaLay/pseuds/RimauSuaLay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny Gokey isn't looking for anyone. Until he finds what he isn't looking for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of Place

**Author's Note:**

> The story is set during the AI tour, before the end of Torchwood Children of Earth, during the months Jack was traveling the world. Betaed by the wonderful Wolfsbride as always, with help from Ainaria. Extra thanks to Tvillingar, who offered good advice, logic and ridicule.

  


"Oh, I'm sorry," Danny muttered as he bumped into a man at the bar on his way to the restroom. "Sorry."

He knew he sounded nervous, but right now, he didn't care. It had been the PR people's idea to have them all go out tonight, to this hip bar with a rather mixed clientele, to impress the public and underline the diversity and acceptance in their group. While he wasn't as uncomfortable as Mike at having to spend the evening in a place like _this_, he was definitely out of his depth.

"It's okay," the man he'd jostled said politely.

Danny nodded and backed away quickly, not wishing to draw attention to himself.

His face hurt from all the smiling, but he hadn't felt like dropping the smile even though the photographers had left some time ago, followed closely by Mike and Lil. Maybe he should have left too, but he didn't want anyone to think that he didn't approve, even when it was more about being tired than about the couples dancing on the small dance floor.

Now he couldn't decide just how long he'd have to sit at his table until it would be okay for him to just go back to the hotel and collapse in his room. Probably long enough for him to have something more to drink; he wasn't going to attempt the dancing, not here. Not that it was wrong. He was just tired.

The trip to the restroom was blessedly uneventful, and he took a while washing his hands, leaning into the sink.

When someone opened the door, he straightened, doing his best not to look like he was running away, and squeezed past the tall blond man who was heading for the urinals. He walked back to the bar, not looking back.

The bartender raised an eyebrow at him when he asked for just a coke, but didn't say anything. Danny thanked him, and then headed back towards the table where he'd been sitting earlier.

He'd already pulled a chair out when he realized the table wasn't available anymore. Someone was sitting by the wall, half hidden in the shadows. "Oh. Sorry."

"You seem to enjoy saying that." The man's voice was slightly amused.

Danny squinted his eyes, and recognized the man sitting there as the one he'd bumped into at the bar. "Yeah. Sorry about that." He almost cringed at his own words.

To his relief, the man didn't laugh. "Sit down."

Hesitating, Danny stared at his hand resting on the back of the chair. He didn't want to give this guy the wrong impression, but he wasn't looking for company either. "I..."

"The seat's not taken, and it's a big table for just one," the man said reasonably. "I won't expect anything from you if you sit down."

It was still surreal to hear people say things like that, but it was a relief at the same time. Danny smiled, and sat down, placing the glass firmly in front of him. "Thanks."

His eyes were adjusting to the dimmer lighting again, and he could see the man better now, not just his outline and the crisp white shirt and _suspenders_ that had kind of identified him from earlier. There was a slightly expectant look on the man's face as he leaned closer, but he didn't ask, or say anything, almost as if he didn't want to intrude or impose.

There was absolutely no recognition there either, like Danny could be anyone, just a guy who had walked into a bar and was having a drink after a long day. He liked it.

Danny smiled again, despite himself. It had been a while since he'd had to actually introduce himself to anyone. "Danny Gokey." It slipped out so easily, with the habit ground into him these past six months, and only when the words were out, he wondered if you actually did that in a place like this, told people your real name.

"Captain Jack Harkness," the man said, with an odd twist on his lips as he nodded at him.

Something in his voice, or maybe his expression, made Danny curb his curiosity and not ask about the title. He didn't seem exactly the military type, but there was something dangerous about him, so maybe this time looks were deceiving.

"Jack," the man amended. "Just call me Jack." Like maybe he was used to the combination of names and titles and it just came out without a thought.

Danny nodded. "Jack. Pleased to meet you."

That seemed to satisfy the need for small talk, and Danny sipped his coke, watching silently at the bustle around the bar.

He had to agree it had been a good idea to get out of the monotony of the bus-hotel-stadium-bus ad nauseum route his life was taking. The last thing he needed right now was another evening on the bus, then the rush to the hotel, early hours spent watching some family channel before going to bed so he could pretend he was sleeping and not just biding time until it was time to get up again. And do it all over again.

Sitting here at the table by himself, though not alone anymore, was the most sociable he'd felt like in ages, and it was eating him up inside. Not that he was aiming at anything _more_ sociable in a place like this.

He didn't like thinking that maybe it wasn't about the place but about himself. That he just didn't feel like it anymore; out of sorts and disconnected.

"You're not here on your own, are you?" Jack asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

"No. I'm here with some friends," Danny said quietly, very careful not to sound judgmental. He didn't want it to be a statement or anything.

Jack glanced at the dance floor, eyes sharp. "Those guys over there?"

For a moment, Danny wondered if Jack really was as ignorant as he seemed to be. He'd met reporters who tried this trick, who pretended to be something else, looking for a scoop, but they always seemed eager somehow, vibrant and alive. Jack was almost indifferent, like he asked for the sake of habit, or simply to move the conversation on, to speed up the passing of the moment. "Yes. Those two. And..." He gestured at the rest, rolling his eyes at the way Matt was chatting up some woman, his hat all-askew. "We're on a work trip together, and decided to come here to have fun."

"I see." Jack looked at him knowingly. "Fun."

Well at least the others seemed to be having fun, even though Danny was still kind of too self-conscious to relax. He didn't mind this, a quiet conversation, but the whole idea of joining that mass of slowly moving bodies, brushing against women and men alike without it being a problem, _that_ bothered him just a little.

"Yeah, well this isn't really my kind of a place." Not that it would come as a surprise to anyone who'd ever met him, Danny supposed.

Jack's lips twisted a little. "I was kind of wondering."

He offered no explanation for his words.

But no, it just wasn't Danny's kind of a place, and Danny wasn't sure if he should be trying harder or just admit that he would probably never have come here on his own. He didn't want to sound judgmental to people who actually chose to spend an evening here, but seeing some of the things going on around him made his skin crawl.

Glad that Mike had decided to leave early on, he wrapped his hands around the tall, half empty glass. It wasn't anything like some of those pictures Anoop had pointed out on one of those Idol - sites a few days ago, with Adam and his friends dressed up in glitter and wigs and _skirts_, all seemingly having a good time, but in a way it was worse. This was just like any other bar, with regular music and regular people, except that it wasn't. Not a gay bar, but not a... _straight_ bar either, and the concept weirded Danny out. There should be no need for a definition like that, right?

He looked again at his friends, wondering if they were all as comfortable as they seemed. Adam certainly was, and he doubted some others even noticed what was going on around them. It made him shake his head. Sometimes he was almost envious of Kris; of his quiet confidence and inner peace, not the closeness with Adam or the Idol thing, of course. Just the natural, uncomplicated way he dealt with everything, a level of comfort Danny never felt he achieved, no matter how hard he tried.

"You don't approve?"

It was strange how this stranger's words were just a question, or at least Danny thought so, unable to hear any hidden meaning in there. He wasn't sure if he liked it; somehow it was easier when people made their own interpretations, no matter how wrong they sometimes were. "Not my place to approve or disapprove."

Jack cocked an eyebrow at him, the mild amusement showing on his face strangely out of place, like he hadn't smiled in a long time.

"But..." Danny shook his head. There were things he was pretty sure were wrong, and he felt like he had to explain it. "I don't know. He's married." He looked at Kris dancing so close to Adam, smiling and shouting something to him over the loud music.

He noticed Jack turning to stare at his friends, a distant look on his face. There was something unnerving about his gaze, like he was looking right through people, seeing something others wouldn't see.

"And he knows it."

Danny had no idea what that meant. "Excuse me?"

"The taller guy. Look at him. He knows."

Danny cast a wary look at Jack, who had leaned back into the shadows again, sipping his drink, and then turned back to watch Kris and Adam. At first he couldn't figure out what Jack had seen, but then, slowly, he began to realize that while Kris was comfortable with his hand on Adam's hip, his chest against his, Adam was deliberately keeping some distance between them, not grinding, not swaying too close.

Like he was perfectly aware of the limits, and was very careful not to cross them. "Oh."

What a weird thing to think.

"Mmh." The soft sound escaping Jack was most likely an agreeing hum.

"But... How did you know it's not he who's married?" Danny asked, suspicious.

Jack let out a snort, not quite of laughter. "I've got eyes. That's how."

Looking back at his friends, Danny tried to figure out what it was that Jack had seen. He couldn't think of them as random people, too well aware of who and what they were.

He sipped some of his coke, a bit uncomfortable.

"I don't mean I think it's anything inappropriate," he said. Not anymore, though yes, he had wondered for a long time. "They're just friends. We're all friends."

Jack leaned forward, just a little, and looked at him.

Wondering why it was so important to him to explain it, Danny nodded earnestly. "If I really had a problem with all this," he waved his hand a little negligently, not putting it into words, "I wouldn't be here."

He was glad when that was accepted without a word. It wasn't his place to comment on the others, and wouldn't it be great to have a quote or a soundbyte of some careless remark ending up online?

Jack seemed to take his explanation with some disinterest, though he was polite enough not to let it show too clearly. "And here you are."

"Yeah." Though maybe not as voluntarily as he pretended, but still, it was something. He felt almost like a tourist in a foreign country, looking at something he could never touch or understand himself. The analogy was pleasant, as long as he didn't concentrate on it too long.

Besides, this wasn't that bad a place. The confusing concepts notwithstanding, he was actually enjoying himself; maybe it was too long since he'd had the chance to just be and try to have fun.

"So you're not looking for anyone?" Jack asked, still slightly aloof.

Danny froze. He hadn't expected that.

He looked down at his hand, fingers twitching; a reflex still too strong even though it had been weeks since he'd removed his ring. "No." The familiar dull ache of sadness rushed through him, like always.

He was over the worst, had been for a long time now. And yet there were moments like this, catching him off guard, when for just a second or two it was almost like it was all too new to even face.

Ridiculous, really. He'd worked hard to keep it manageable, under control. Words had chased the pain away, so that drowning in it wasn't a constant fear anymore. Prayers offered to him, wise passages he'd read from self-help books, endless litanies of rationalized grief that escaped his lips; they had all muffled the hard edge of hurt ages ago.

To his surprise, Jack's expression hardened just a little, the indifference sliding away like a mask, leaving nothing tangible behind.

"I..." It was strange to meet someone who didn't know him, who had no idea of not only who he was, but of what he'd been through. Danny was so used to it by now, to having people treat him in a certain way, that the explanation almost rushed out of him, dying in his throat the last moment.

He didn't know if it was appropriate to say it out loud to a stranger he'd known for fifteen minutes. It wasn't something they could bond over, hunched over their glasses in a bar.

Jack was quiet, waiting for him to say something. Then, when the silence stretched, he said quietly, "You lost someone." It wasn't a question, but a statement.

There was no reason it should hurt; he'd said it over and over again, staring into the uncaring cameras that sent his story around the whole country, sang about it all, the grief and the loss, getting over it bit by bit. Danny nodded. "Yes. My wife."

There was no look of pity on Jack's face, no awkward hesitation. He nodded, once, but said nothing.

Danny didn't think it was because Jack didn't know what to say. It almost seemed like he _knew_, on some deeper level, that there were no words; that it was just enough to accept this, and somehow it made Danny's throat itch.

He took a sip of his drink, just to make the itching stop. "And you?" he asked, with just a hunch.

Jack's eyes glinted with something unpleasant. "It would take longer than you've got for me to answer that question." Flippant, with a warning undertone.

"I'm sorry," Danny said. He was suddenly aware it had been longer than he remembered since it had been this way around, him facing someone else's loss and sorrow. The feeling of inadequacy was almost overwhelming, the helpless certainty that there was nothing he could say or do to alleviate anyone's pain chased away by the need to say something, offer _any_ consolation.

"Aren't we all?"

And right then, looking at Jack's face was like looking into a mirror, with every single moment of sadness and loneliness and despair staring right back at him. Danny almost recoiled back. Familiar as the grief was, here it was distorted, with no hope nor ending, and it both beckoned to him and warned him to stay away at the same time.

Jack lifted his glass again, and the feeling was gone. "But that's life."

Danny blinked. "What?" He couldn't follow the thought that had lead to this.

"Life." Jack was staring into distance, like he was trying to see something far away. "Life is like that. You love and you lose and you think that's it, but it's not. There's no one true love for everyone. Some people never find that special someone. If you're really unlucky, you find love, you lose it, you love again, and lose it again."

The concept made Danny shiver. He didn't know if he agreed with Jack, but there was something in the man's eyes that made him keep his mouth shut.

Deep underneath the sadness and the cynicism was something hard and dangerous, a shadow of violence, and Danny didn't want to be the one to stand in this man's way when it was unleashed.

Jack wasn't finished yet. "You try to protect the ones you care about, but you never can. And everyone's always so sorry. So very sorry."

Nodding, Danny had to agree with that. "I know." It was human nature, and it wasn't a bad thing to be sorry. But it didn't really help.

He wanted to reach out and offer this man a hug, a voice deep inside him crying out for a physical contact, like this joined knowing was too immense to share without turning it into something tangible.

Jack blinked, and then his expression shifted again, softening just a little. "Yes. I can see that you do."

The sharp gaze focused on him was somehow unnerving, reminding Danny of his earlier thoughts. He wasn't certain he wanted Jack to look at him like this, wondering what he'd see.

Apparently whatever Jack saw was enough to make him relax and lean back a little again.

Danny turned his gaze off Jack. For some reason the short conversation had left him exhausted, a hint of a headache throbbing somewhere behind his eyes.

It had to be because of the long day, though right now, all days were the same, each exactly like the one before, with only the town changing.

He thought about his room at the hotel, the opportunity of a night without the strangely rolling motion of the bus, the bunk so cramped and the sound the others turning and sighing and murmuring nonsense. It was late enough for him to leave without it being an issue or a statement, and in thirty minutes he could be lying in a real bed, in a blessed silence, with nothing but the strangely hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach to keep him company.

Maybe there'd be something on TV he could watch, something soothing and peaceful that would ease his mind. Though he didn't know the reason for it, his head had been fuzzy and foggy lately, his body tense. Nothing a good night's sleep wouldn't cure, if he just got that chance to close his eyes and snore away through the whole night.

He looked down at his glass. Or maybe he should have another coke. The caffeine in this one was bound to keep him up half the night anyway.

"So, Danny Gokey," Jack said suddenly. "I think I'm probably going to make a pass at you next. What do you say? Will you take it as a compliment or as an insult?"

Danny was glad he hadn't raised his own glass, because he was pretty sure he would have spewed his drink all over the table. "Um... I..."

Not that this was a new situation per se, but the people usually proposing to have sex with him were a bit more subtle, and way more female.

What would have probably made him choke on his drink, though, was the strange thrill running down his spine. Something about Jack was fascinating, touching some hidden part inside him, and Danny couldn't get any words out, because right there, between the polite words of refusal, there just might be a very heartfelt 'yes'.

Yes to what, he didn't even want to know.

Jack's lips twisted into something close to a real smile. "Flattered but no thank you?" he suggested.

It was easy to nod at that. "That would be it. Thank you, but no thank you."

"Too bad," Jack murmured, his expression relaxed, almost mischievous. "It might have been fun."

Danny shook his head in exasperation, smiling despite himself, despite the faint shock. "Of course." Maybe being exposed to Adam's seemingly unconscious flirting made this easier, to address the unthinkable without real discomfort.

Funny how Jack seemed to be genuinely unfazed by his refusal. He just shrugged and that was it.

Not that all this wasn't pretty surreal already. Danny wasn't an expert or anything, but he was pretty sure single people who'd just met didn't usually have conversations like this in bars. Tentative questions that fell into the realm of small talk, yes. Non-threatening topics, nothing personal, and the thought made him pull up short.

He wasn't good at impersonal stuff anymore, not that he'd ever been that good at hiding what he felt from the world. Circling every issue, with empty words and meaningless gestures, he didn't want that. Overwhelming as it was at times, he _liked_ being straightforward, without lies and subterfuge, and he wasn't blind, knowing all too well it sometimes confused people around him.

In that respect, Jack's question and the easy way he accepted were actually refreshing. It was the road this far that made no sense whatsoever. Danny wasn't sure he wanted it to.

He did however feel like there was some unimaginable connection between him and this stranger. Something he had never felt with the people he worked with and shared most of the aspects of his life with. Nothing he could think of even came close.

Danny barely noticed the music turn from an upbeat tempo into something softer, mellower, until he saw Jack grimace faintly. The familiar crooning voice coming from the bar's state of the art sound system made Danny shake his head. This had to be the definition of irony; their night out and they ended up listening to another Idol.

On the dance floor, the frantic dancing turned into something else.

Jack had finished his drink, and was now pushing away from the table, grabbing a dark blue woolen coat from the back of his chair as he stood up. "I think this is my cue to leave."

"Okay." Danny felt strange, like their conversation was far from over, like this was too sudden. He genuinely regretted watching Jack leave. "It was... good talking to you."

It hadn't been what he'd have expected, but he couldn't pretend he'd rather have sat here on his own, slightly uncomfortable and out of sorts.

Another half smile flickered on Jack's lips. "Yes, it was." He draped the coat over his arm and walked around the table.

He paused by Danny's side, and looked down at him, eyes so insanely deep and blue. Danny couldn't read them at all, but he could read the very slow movement of Jack's hand, seeing the deliberate way Jack leaned down as an opportunity to move away if he chose. For some reason he couldn't comprehend himself, he sat there as Jack leaned down, waiting almost breathlessly for the kiss.

When Jack's lips landed on his cheek in a soft brush, he felt a curious mixture of relief and hot disappointment. The way Jack trailed his fingers down his face, thumb touching the corner of his mouth, left him reeling.

"See you around," Jack said quietly and left.

Unable to respond with coherent words, Danny just nodded. He didn't want to watch Jack walk away, so he looked down at his glass, which had an inch or so of coke left, pale with melted ice. It looked about as out of place as he felt right now.

After a long moment, he raised his gaze from his glass to look at the throng of laughing and dancing people. He could see Adam and Kris at the bar now, Adam gesturing wildly at the bartender, Anoop and Megan slowly grinding together on the dance floor, and suddenly it was all too much; too loud and too unreal.

He didn't want to sit here and watch the people he worked with, people he called _friends_ have fun while his own mind was so full of strange thoughts. He couldn't even pretend, like he belonged here. Slowly, he pushed his glass away and then stood up. It wasn't that late yet, and he could get a snack from room service and then maybe call Jamar, and try to connect with things that were as familiar to him as breathing.

This was what homesickness felt like, he thought. The need to be himself with someone who understood, even without words, and he recognized suddenly the sharp edge of loneliness that hadn't been there before.

He hadn't felt anything like it in more than a year now.

The security guy looming in the shadows near the door nodded as he passed, and it was a little depressing that he didn't rate an escort back, just a smile and a wave of hand, most likely a short call to the hotel, informing them he was about to show up soon. But it had been a quiet night, the town small enough and the people sane enough. And yeah, he wasn't exactly the one the fans were after.

He walked out of the bar, into the cool darkening evening. It was late summer, but it wasn't as insanely hot as it had been before, and he took a deep breath, trying to clear his head. The street was quiet, and he didn't think twice before walking away from the bar. He'd catch a cab later on, right now he wanted to stretch his legs and try to walk the itching feeling out of his body.

Something to the far left caught his eye, a movement almost lost in the shadows, and he turned to see, thoughts of insane fans running at him flickering through his head. Seeing the man was a relief of sorts.

Jack was standing there, almost glowing with blue nimbus, the fog swirling around him; a lone figure wrapped in a long dark coat, hands in pockets. Just standing and watching him, like he'd been waiting.

But it couldn't be, because he couldn't have known he'd come out this way.

Heck, Danny hadn't expected to walk here either, like he was going after something he didn't even know how to look for. But seeing Jack made some of that sharpness inside twist and morph into something else. It was so unlike the sympathy and the soft words from his friends, a relief that was almost painful in its own way, but it was a pain Danny craved.

This was something he could grasp and feel, even share.

The fog swirled again, and then Jack turned around and started to walk away.

"Jack! Wait!" The words were out before Danny could think, and he was running after Jack, afraid he'd lose him in the fog and would never see him again. "Wait."

He dodged a pile of garbage someone had tossed on the ground, shoes slipping on the pavement, but he didn't slow down. Jack was still moving away, and he couldn't let him go. Alone in a strange town, with any possible danger lurking in the shadows, and yet this was more important than looking after himself, worth any risk.

Jack stopped under a streetlight, like he was unconsciously posing there. "What do you want?"

Danny stared at the man, gaze locked to his eyes, and he shivered at what he saw there. Such pain, impossibly deeper than what he'd once felt inside, and it was calling to him, drawing him in.

He didn't know what he wanted, had no idea why he was even here, and he stared at the man, waiting for him to give him some kind of a clue.

"Because what I want..." Jack shook his head. "It's all that there really is."

This time, he didn't hesitate, didn't give Danny any chance to move away, but simply stepped closer, hand going to Danny's neck, tilting his head ever so slightly, and then Jack's lips were on Danny's.

For some reason the gentleness of the soft kiss was a bigger shock than the kiss itself.

"_This_," Jack said quietly, moving so that his breath tickled at Danny's ear, body pressed firmly against his. "Is all there is."

Danny shivered, understanding immediately what Jack meant. It was an offer, but unlike any he'd ever received, with a promise of touch and heat and _god_, all the things he couldn't even dream of, but there would be no love, no emotion beyond what two people seeking solace in each other's bodies could find.

Uncompromised, with no demands other than for him to grasp this. Take a plunge into the unknown with no one holding the rope, his only companion just as much at sea as he was.

"God, yes." It slipped out before Danny could think about it. He wished he actually wanted to pull the words back, to correct the sentiment, to explain that it had never sounded like it would be enough. He had never wanted, really wanted it, he wasn't like that, and yet nothing came out.

Jack pulled away a little, to stare into his eyes.

Bright and gentle, the smile blossoming on Jack's face somehow reminded him of Adam, the same unapologetic aplomb and the certainty of who and what he was so evident in Jack, something even more constant than the pain. "So, Danny Gokey. Do you want to?"

No explanation necessary.

"Yes." Danny nodded, feeling his cheeks heat up. Jack's question was so unashamedly suggestive, and he couldn't even pretend he didn't understand what he was proposing. What he failed to understand was his own reaction to it.

Jack leaned back in, lips on his firm this time, certain, and then there was tongue and the kiss turned _dirty_, and all Danny could do was moan into it and grab a hold on Jack's lapels.

He could let everything else fade to black and live here in this moment for the rest of eternity, a temptation he doubted anyone could resist, falling and fallen, and he kissed Jack back with all the pain and hunger he refused to acknowledge, with everything he was.

Back against the wall, not knowing how he'd ended up like this, and Jack was pressing harder against him, giving him no quarter. "Here?" A harsh whisper in his ear.

Danny took a deep breath, finding some semblance of reason with the clear air, and shook his head. "Can't." Insane didn't mean he had to be self-destructive, and grinding against a man outside in plain sight would be the latter. Not that taking this inside would change things that much, on the deeper level, but he couldn't ignore reality, pictures and comments at TMZ, his future career thrown away and his audience alienated. It had to matter more than this.

Last moment of clarity, and he spent it to mutter, "I have a room at the hotel."

He couldn't believe he had just suggested that. If he had control over this, he should have enough control to walk away.

"Good," Jack said, with an echo of something very sensual, almost playful in his voice, but even in the faint light of the streetlight his eyes were serious. "Lead the way." The promise of what would follow was evident in every syllable.

There was only one way to react. Danny nodded. "Yeah."

He couldn't believe how easy it was, to hail a cab and then squeeze in the back seat next to Jack. The name of the hotel slipped through his lips without effort, and the cabbie nodded, pulling off the curb, and he didn't even look suspiciously at them, didn't notice there was a cataclysmic event happening right under his nose.

Next to him, Jack looked out of the window, and then turned to look at him, his hand on the seat, reaching out across the empty space between them, and Danny moved his own hand just a little, the backs of his fingers barely touching Jack's. Any other time it would have been daring and forbidden, and right now it simply was; a fact of life.

Jack insisted on paying for the ride, and Danny swallowed his objections at the last minute, nodding once and then climbing out of the cab. His heart was pounding too hard, loud in his own ears.

They walked through the front door side by side. Danny barely looked at the people in the lounge, leading the way to the elevator.

One of the security guards was standing in the hallway in their floor, trying to look nondescript and menacing at the same time. He took one look at Danny, nodded in recognition, and then turned his gaze back to the wall, standing there like a statue.

Danny hoped Jack wouldn't ask. He didn't want to talk about that part of his life right now, he didn't want to talk about any part of his life.

It seemed Jack wasn't here for the conversation either. The moment the door closed behind them, Jack slipped his coat off, draping it over the back of a chair.

"Jack," Danny muttered, because there had been no words since he'd agreed to this, no guidelines. Kicking his shoes off, he flipped on the light, and then wondered if he should have just let the room be dark, to blend in with the shades.

It was foreign territory, but Danny wasn't exactly fazed by that. The male body was an adventure, but to him, _any_ body would be. He'd made this journey from the beginning just once. In a way, the hard planes of muscle were a relief, with no sudden memories of what he'd lost.

He reached out with his hand and then froze. What on earth did he think he was doing? "I..." Last chance to back away from this insanity.

Jack looked at him, expectant, face so calm but his eyes burning.

"I don't know what to do." And that was definitely not what Danny had planned on saying, but it was true nevertheless.

Once again, there was that hint of a smile on Jack's lips, a curious almost self-mocking twist. "I do."

Danny's mouth was suddenly dry.

The easy way his clothes seemed to melt under Jack's touch certainly proved that Jack wasn't just saying it. Danny pulled at Jack's suspenders; managing to brush them down his arms by the time Jack had cleverly slipped his hand down his pants. Then he couldn't focus on anything, just stared with wide eyes as Jack pushed his underwear out of his way and knelt down in front of him.

Oh.

_Oh_.

Right, so Jack did know what he was doing, and Danny wished there was something he could hold onto.

He looked down, at the black hair, at Jack's face, and almost closed his eyes at the sight. Jack's hair was soft, rumpled, with no artificial texture of product in it, and he put his hands hesitantly on Jack's head, not knowing it was all right to touch him, fearing it would be too much if he didn't.

It seemed to be the right thing to do. Jack let out a hum, and then leaned forward to take him in his mouth.

"_Jesus_," was the only word Danny could manage, not even feeling he was blaspheming. His fingers buried in Jack's hair, convulsively.

Jack didn't seem to mind.

By the time Jack finally got up, as easily as he'd knelt before him, Danny simply let him lead him to bed, eyes wide with astonishment.

He was completely lost, body throbbing with this new need but mind unable to figure out a way to ask, or even a way to reach out and take what Jack was so clearly offering.

To his relief, Jack didn't have that problem. Danny went willingly, following Jack's lead, touching where Jack's hands placed his, lips nibbling on warm skin so different from what he was used to wherever Jack pushed off another piece of clothing.

He paused when Jack turned his back on him and then pulled him to kneel between his thighs, staring with wild eyes at the body spread so open beneath his. "Oh my god," he muttered, reality crashing in, and then Jack grinned wildly at him over his shoulder and took a hold of his erection, guiding it slowly but firmly inside him, and he went with it without hesitation. He couldn't do anything but move to the rhythm, Jack's hands sliding to his ass to pull him closer, fingers digging into his flesh.

It had been so damn long since he'd felt anything like this, anything but his own hand, and he shuddered, suddenly too close, too aware of the hard body against his.

Jack's head was drooping, the curve of his neck exposed, and he was muttering softly from under his breath.

Swallowing, Danny closed his eyes, but it didn't take reality away. He was still here, with a man, knowing him _sexually_ with all the meanings of that word, and it was good, so damn good.

"Harder," Jack ground out, face turned to the side, fingers holding tight on the sheets. "_Fuck me_."

Danny could only obey, the words touching him with the force of a mallet, his whole body jerking as a response. Someone was making low-pitched sounds, _obscene_ sounds, and Danny let out another groan as he did as Jack asked.

He came almost too soon, hips jerking and fingers biting into Jack's hips, bright spots appearing behind his closed eyelids. Sagging forward, he tried to breathe, listening to the soft sounds Jack made as he still moved against him.

Completely selfish, and it wasn't what he was, what he did, and he tried to pry his fingers off Jack's skin to help him somehow, and then Jack was convulsing and he really didn't have to do that after all.

Breathing with his mouth open, he tried not to collapse on top of Jack. He managed to flop himself next to Jack somehow, completely blown away, and he went with the distant body memory, with his instincts, and before he could think, he was pulling Jack close to him, wrapping his arms around him.

Jack was tense and quiet and _sticky_, holding still for a long moment. Then, with a sigh, he turned a little, allowing Danny to lie more comfortably against him.

The silence was comfortable as well, not demanding to be broken by useless words.

Danny didn't make a conscious decision to stay in bed with this man, but simply lay there in a tangled heap of limbs and sheets, head pillowed on a firm shoulder, listening to the comforting sound of Jack's heartbeat.

It was all a bit too much, and not enough, and he didn't want to do or say anything to make it end, not yet.

Jack didn't ask any questions either, not when he lifted his head to kiss Danny again, and again, the languorous kisses turning hungry after a while, not when Danny let him roll him over.

Knowing he could say no, could stop this if he wanted, Danny let Jack's touch guide him, holding his leg up in a slightly awkward angle, blinking rapidly in surprise at the first slick touch that was so very gentle and so very alien.

"Just say if you want me to stop," Jack said, shifting to lie on top of him.

Danny stared at him, unable to form words, silently grateful Jack hadn't asked for his permission or consent. He'd say stop if he wanted this to stop. He really would.

Then he arched his back, hands squeezing at Jack's arms so hard he had to leave bruises behind. Whether he was ready for it or not wasn't an issue anymore.

It hurt, _god_ it _hurt_, and Danny gasped out syllables his mouth didn't recognize ever forming before, trying to hold on to something, anything, even the pain itself. It didn't turn into ecstasy, not like he'd sometimes wondered it might, but morphed into another kind of a pain, deeper and darker and more seductive than pleasure.

Jack leaned closer to him, nuzzling his face, kissing the side of his mouth until he managed to turn his head enough to kiss Jack back.

Slow, and mellow, and there was none of the urgency from before. Danny lifted his hips to meet Jack half way, and Jack buried his face into his neck, muttering nonsense words, suffocating them in his skin. They moved like it could last forever, easy and effortless, even with the sweat-slick skin and the tension building through the burn.

He cried out at his release, clutching onto Jack like he was drowning. Jack thrust into him, eyes so dark they were almost black, looking almost pained when he came.

Danny pulled Jack closer with weak hands, fingers trembling, and kissed him on the lips, tasting salty moisture. He didn't know if it was from his own tears or Jack's, but it was somehow it was appropriate anyway.

"Thank you," he muttered, voice cracking, and he wasn't sure what he was thanking Jack for.

All he knew was that there was nothing sharp lingering inside him right now, replaced by bone deep weariness, and he wasn't going to rationalize it, not this time. He wasn't going to question it either.

Jack slipped half off him, still lying mostly on top of him, and sighed. He didn't say anything, but the way he pulled the sheets up again meant he wasn't going anywhere right now.

Snuffling, Danny closed his eyes.

He had to have fallen asleep for a while, because when he opened his eyes the next time, there was faint light streaming through the curtains. There was a noise, the same that had woken him, and he couldn't pinpoint it, the sound at the same time familiar and foreign.

Sitting up carefully, his body protesting against any sudden movement, he looked around to see Jack standing by the tall mirror at the wall, adjusting his collar.

"Morning," Jack said without turning around. "Sorry if I woke you."

"It's okay, you didn't wake me." The lie slipped out like he was physically incapable of stopping it. Danny tried a hesitant smile, surprised when it was no hardship after all, like his body wanted him to be happy.

He reached out and grabbed his boxers from the floor, squirming into them before getting out of the bed. It didn't help; suddenly he felt awkward, with him still almost naked and Jack fully dressed.

"You should go back to bed. It's not really that early yet." Jack's gaze moved minutely, locking with his through the mirror.

Danny shook his head. "I'm not that tired." The yawn that escaped him right at the end of his sentence rather spoiled the effort.

He stood there, staring at Jack, at his clothes trailing back across the floor from the shirt right there by the door to the sock next to the bed. There were no excuses anymore, though it was still too early to look at this all in the brightness of a new day.

It was also all somehow diminished, the enormity of what had happened not as overwhelming as he'd imagined.

He had lain with a man, more than that, and had taken pleasure in it, and... it was all right. He didn't think for a moment that this could define him, as his belief did, a revelation in itself.

Closing his eyes, he tried to suppress the odd feeling of being cheated by all this, concentrating on wondering what purpose his former wilful blindness could have. God did work in mysterious ways, and sometimes he had trouble understanding His wonders.

"What happens now?" he asked quietly.

He didn't know if he meant it specifically to Jack or if it was about the future in general.

Jack turned around to look at him, clearly taking it as a question addressed to him. "Now I thank you for a very pleasurable night, and then I leave."

It was somehow wrong, like there should be more. Still, wasn't this what he'd been promised? A night of something unimaginable that would have no consequences?

He looked at Jack, biting his lip as he saw the non-expression on his face, the blue eyes once again oddly lifeless. "Jack, I..." All doubts about his actions melted away from this more urgent matter, his mind pushing personal shock aside like it was second nature by now. He cleared his throat, knowing he couldn't stay quiet, but he didn't want to sound presumptuous. "Thank _you_. I just wish I could have..."

"Don't bother." Jack flashed him a quick smile, a pale imitation of actual delight. "I appreciate the sentiment, but there really is nothing..." He didn't finish, shrugging it off as insignificant.

Danny didn't know if this was the way things went the morning after, and that thought did stir up something inside, a faint dismay that he'd just had a one-night stand, knowingly. There should be more awkwardness, shame even. Not this quiet acceptance.

His heart ached for this man, and now that the fire had burned itself out, he wanted to reach out and do something to help. What had seemed so pure and seductive last night just seemed sad in the faint morning light. "Will you be all right?"

"I'll survive."

Danny shivered. "Jack." He shook his head. "I'm sorry, but... Have you ever considered seeing someone? A priest, or maybe a doctor?" It came out even more hesitantly than he'd planned, for it wasn't really his place to say this.

"Funny you should say that," Jack said, lips twitching in a sardonic half smile. "I've been thinking about the same thing lately."

"Good." Genuine relief. Maybe this was the best Danny could do, to show one path and hope Jack would take the first step.

Jack stared at him, gaze steady. "Don't worry about me." A quiet command from a man who was used to have his words obeyed.

There wasn't anything to say to that.

Danny walked Jack to the door, holding out his hand, glad that after hesitating, Jack clasped it in a warm handshake.

"Good bye, Danny Gokey," Jack said, as if certain they would never meet again, squeezing his hand one more time before letting it go.

Danny nodded. He had a strange feeling this really was the final goodbye. "God speed, Captain Jack Harkness."

Leaning against the doorframe, he watched Jack walk away without looking back. Something made him stay put, gaze following the tall man all the way down the hallway and to the elevator, where a large black man was standing, trying to look casual and not like he was guarding the whole floor. The man was not as good at hiding his surprise as his colleague had been, staring at Danny for just a bit too long before adopting the more professional expression.

The appraising look barely registered. Danny just didn't have the energy to care. He didn't move when a soft click alerted him of company, barely glancing at Anoop who was sneaking back into his own room from across the hall, ignoring the raised eyebrow and the double take.

He sighed as the elevator made a faint sound, alerting its arrival. Then with a blur of movement Jack was gone, the doors sliding shut behind him right after he stepped in, his coat billowing slightly.

Danny felt suddenly exhausted.

He slipped back into his room; yawning so hard his jaws ached. Scratch that, his whole body ached, with a warm, satisfied throb that was somehow a good feeling. It was still early, hours until he'd have to get up and get dressed and go through yet another repetition of hotel-stadium-bus, but it didn't sound ominous right now.

There was a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, connected to the tightness in his chest, but he pushed it aside, not wishing to deal with anything right now. Weariness won, this time, but the feeling was still there, and it didn't seem to be going away, waiting to burst like a bubble.

Sooner or later, he would have to acknowledge it all, sit back and look at what he'd done tonight, and more importantly, what he was still running away from. But not now, he wasn't ready yet, and no matter how much energy it would take to keep the bubble there, he'd try. For a little while longer.

Yawning again, he crawled between the sheets, closing his eyes as his head touched the pillow.

He could sleep for a while longer.


End file.
